#okay im making this my journal BUT im proud of myself

[field-guide-to-mud]

Happy Pride!

[seariii]

Que horror

[ros3ybabe]

Daily Check-in: May 20, 2024 🎀

omg it'd almost the end of May, what the heck? I'm so excited, I leave to Colorado for my 8 weeks of work very soon and I can't wait! it's going to be such a cool experience being in a new place for a while!

Monday was a good day. My dad and my boyfriend both think I overdid it on the physical exertion a bit, and I agree. I took a long walk, outside, in 95 degree heat, with no sunscreen. Which is why they said I overdid it because my chest and shoulders are sooooo sunburnt. But Monday was amazing! Started off strong, ended not as strong but still good!

🩷 What I Accomplished:

~13k+ steps for the day

took an hour and a half long walk outside(it was amazing, I loved it, I stayed hydrated ans soaked up all the sunlight and fresh air)

completed a 30 min beginner pilates workout from Move with Nicole

did my morning journaling and gratitude

wrote down a positive quote of the day and read through my journal where I wrote down some things that I want to read daily

read and "annotated" 14 pages of Atomic Habits

took a 20 minute power nap

worked a ~6.5 hour shift

drank at least ~80oz of water (that's pretty good given I used to drink like 20oz a day and wonder why I never felt good)

took my two medications + vitamin D supplement

took a cool shower and washed my hair at the end of the day

went to sleep early!

💞 Good Things That Happened

my friend and a supervisor im close with complimented my appearance in a way that gave me a confidence/motivational boost

my other friend and I decided we're probably getting our nails done together next week

that same friend ^ and I are going to go shopping next week as well

my work is going to schedule me where I can still go to brunch with my dad on Friday!

my man starts his first day of work on Tuesday (I'm so excited for him! It's gonna suck not being able to text him all day, but I'm so proud of him for getting this job and all the progress he's made)

got complimented on how efficient I was at work by the night shift supervisor

ate goods that made me happy without feeling guilty or anxiety about it

💔 What Could've Gone Better

I over ate a bit at night after work and felt kind of bloated and sick when I went to bed. it's okay tho, things happen, and Tuesday is a new day <3

super sunburnt!!!! my chest and shoulders are bright, bright red! and I'm a naturally pretty tan person, so seeing my skin that red, yep, I'm definitely super burnt! need to wear sunscreen and protective clothes when I take a shorter walk on tuesday

I definitely overdid it on that walk. got too overzealous and pushed myself a lot. my legs were hurting so bad by the end of the day and that's not good. as much as I enjoyed the walk, I need to be so much more kinder to and thoughtful of my body. it does a lot for me, and I need to treat it right <3

💗 Stuff For Tuesday

take a shorter walk outside in the morning

read more of Atomic Habits (and annotate)

begin studying Spanish some more (fell off the habit but I have a lesson next Tuesday the 28th, so I need to be prepared!)

do some gentle morning and night skincare (my face is a little red from yesterday but not too bad since I wore a hat during my walk)

do my morning beginner pilates and gratitude journaling (I've already done these as of right now, but I struggled with the so-called "beginner" pilates video from IsaWelly. practice makes perfect, tho so I've got to keep consistent!)

book nail appointments with my friend for next week (hopefully the nail tech/nail salon I go to has availability for her and I to go together! I also need to pick the design i want!)

budget for this upcoming paycheck and what I need to save vs what I'm going to spend (and need to buy)

work a ~5 hour shift

talk to my man over video call at the end of the day to see how work/training went for him (it's his first day of work, but it's a hands on training kind of day for him as well)

💕 Song of The Day: aespa - Supernova

what an absolutely amazing song omg. aespa literally never misses with their music. I almost put Spicy, but I've been obsessed with Supernove since it dropped. I love it so much <3

That's all for Monday, like I said, it was a beautiful start to the week for me! And here's to Tuesday being a good day as well <3 I hope everyone here has a wonderful beginning of their week!

til next time lovelies 🩷

[sleepy-vix]

also oh my gosh there are literally no words for how proud I am of you for that joirnal entry?? I’ve been through hell and back with feeling suicidal and I clawed my way back to life starting exactly the same way but DAMN it’s so hard Yk? And it feels so exhausting and useless?? But seriously I promise it’s not. It’s okay if the actions you’re taking feel like they’re taking a long time to kick in, or it doesn’t rlly feel like YOU yet. One of the hardest things I’ve ever had to learn was to stop waiting for the feeling of peace and joy to just show up and find me, that I had to actively do stuff to help it happen and keep doing it even when it felt like nothing was happening. Sorry ik this was a ramble and I hope it wasn’t too personal but I’m sending you so much support and love and if you ever need to talk I’m here! Also im a huge Jane Austen and hamlet fan :)) keep going, im rlly proud of you and you’re doing rlly rlly well <33

AWWWWWW this means so much to me, thank you so much for telling me this. i'm so so so so proud of you too and i'm so happy for you :} it's so wonderful to hear that other people shared similar experiences but found hope in the end because it makes everything seem a little less hopeless and a little more achievable. thank you for sharing with me what you learned (waaaa i'm going to now make a journal page about things that could make me happy TvT <3)

i wish i had something more to say, a nugget of wisdom to gift you in return for yours, because you're such a star for actually reading my whole journal entry :(( it means alot to me

i honestly always thought that journal entries like that would be bothersome to my followers, but after posting that, i actually did feel a little better and more resolved and mentally clearheaded :) writing it felt like i was cutting off a piece of myself (a diseased piece, but a piece of myself nonetheless) and offering it up into the void like a naive child would bestow a glass bottle containing a whimsical message into the ocean, and i truly did not expect a response but im so happy that i did 🤍

i'll be sure to share my thoughts on hamlet and jane austen's work when i finish reading them !! :)

[quirkthieves]

Viv I need you to know that every time I see you on the dash or in my notifs or in my dms or literally ANYWHERE my day gets a million times brighter, I love reading your writing and your hcs regardless of which muse/chara you're talking about and honestly going back and forth with you about kemoji has made me love this series x10 times more than I initially did. I'm also SOOO very grateful to you for helping me find the new ch translations whenever they drop & it warms my heart to see your passion for Romanian culture and the way you've made Mioara into SUCH a compelling chara that she's practically tied to my Mihai. like you genuinely couldn't tear her out of my hands if you tried. ANYWAY ILYSM AND I HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER SOON!! xoxoxo

CHRISSSSSSSSS you have no idea how much this means to me... ;^;/ .... i dont have the words for it and i dont have my emotes on this computer but rest assured im doing some WUAHGHGH shit

it's been so fun going back and forth with you on things too!!!! ive definitely come to like mihai so much more as a character and its been fun exploring dynamics that never could happen in the series and i love hearing your headcanons and im being 100% serious when i say i absolute love how unabashed you are with writing your muses. i feel like theres a struggle myself and a lot of other writers have when it comes to writing characters like mihai or mikito where we wanna sand off some of the rougher edges but there's so much more life and voice when someone (you) can keep them true to form because thats the appeal of characters like that in the first place!!!

AND IM SO GLAD YOU LIKE MIOARA..... <3 i always get a little worried that when i write characters like her that i may slip into "weird weeby territory" but genuinely i love writing her and drawing him and reading deep dives and articles and journals and everything else that ive been led to on the journey!!! the decision to make him romanian actually came about as the result of an existing passion for learning about the culture because of an exhibit my job hosted of contemporary works from the cluj-napoca school and the information document i put together for it since i have another romanian friend that i knew would be really excited for it and i wanted to make her proud 💪💪💪 almost a year later and now im working on learning the language and trying my best to do right by such a rich and interesting history & culture

LOLLL okay that got corny sorry i didnt mean to get on a soap box there but it just makes me really happy to hear that if nothing else my effort is shining through <3 ok ily chris im gonna stop typing before i make myself look goofy on here

[divorcingjimmatthews]

season 2 episode 5 reactions as i watch

huge spoilers obviously

(this is mostly for myself to have somewhere to scream as i go, its LONG AF youve been warned)

RANDALL IS SCARING ME SO MUCH LIKE PLEASE DONT BANG ON STUFF WHAT IF YOU ACCIDENTALLY MAKE THE TALISMAN FALL I AM HAVING A HEART ATTACK WITH THIS SCENE. RANDALL STOP STOP STOP YOURE GOING TO DIE DUDE

(straight up cant watch the rest of the episode because i paused it and cant bring myself to unpause lmaooo. from ends here for me i guess)

ok its over thank god

JADE STOP DRINKING SOMEONE HELP THIS MAN. hes even sleeping with the fucking journal like please he needs 20 interventions

also dammit he actually moved to the bar i accidentally manifested it LMAO

can the show please stop torturing this man with the hallucinations please and thank you

TABITHA IS IN MAMA WOLF MODE LETS GO

boyd defending sara... knowing what happened to his wife and what she did... oh man. this hurts. knowing tabitha also lost a child before turns the intensity of all this to eleven millions

LMAO ok someone calling tabitha out for her basement hole and its consequences at long last. i love tabitha but like it has to be acknowledged

"That part i cant help you with" dang Good Line

honestly cant even imagine how sara is feeling i dont know what id be doing in her situation like just watching it stresses me so much.

ETHAN BABY :'(((( im sobbing

KRISTI IS SO PRETTY oh my god i am so bisexual right now. she cant just do this. the shirtttt. i think im seeing the sweetest and most beautiful woman in the world

dhsjfhsh marielle doing the same thing with the shirt that i had the reader do in my fic i cant even

"For a long time it smelled like you. Now it just smells" i laughed so hard

"Youre still you" 🥺

SARA GIRL WHAT ARE YOU DOING ARE YOU TRYING TO GET K oh yeah wait she probably is

oh its her house ok god i thought she'd gone to the matthews'

NEW HOUSE WHO DIS

cant belive an extra got one of the few houses this is so funny to me for no reason

this scene gosh. ouch. ouch. im taking 2 damage per second watching this episode

JADE. the bottles. jade my beloved this is point of no return level stuff. mrs Liu please come get him home

VICTOR

victoooor

"You dont look good" im losing it

thank you victor

victor 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 i love him. the sweetest

JADE IM GOING TO STRANGLE YOU DONT BE LIKE THISSS

"WAIT" i fucking cant i love this man

"This took me all fucking night" jade never stop being the funniest mf on the planet please

jim calling tabitha tabby is so sweet it got me

"Faith. In you" oh boy. Oh man. Oh boy oh man. This scene. How is this show hitting every singe fucking note.

donna brought up abby omgomg

OK BUT CAN YOU BLAME HIM FOR WANTING TO FIND AN ALTERNATIVE THIS TIME

(maybe)

(arghhhh this is so hard)

"only monsters live in the woods" ethan i love everything you say. go my boy

(sara voice) okay

"The trees theyre changing" i love how victor is 100% harmless but could NOT be any more ominous lmaooo

CAR GRAVEYARD

"When i was alone i moved the cars because i didnt want to see them. Theres a lot more behind the rocks but those were already here" GODDAMMIT

no but victor is literally the sweetest man on earth. you were rightfully angry victor !! jade now you apologise.

"okay" ill kill him

victor sitting on the car 🥺🥺🥺🥺 im going to cry

what a scene. my god.

SARA HAS ONLY BEEN THERE FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS?

"Do you live here in town" ELGIN i love you

poor julie if she knew her crush is out there flirting with the local murderer

"I like what i like and i like owls" based. thats me writing 300 jade posts per day

oh boy this scene (me about every scene)

"THAT PART ALWAYS SEEMED A BIT LIKE WISHFUL THINKING TO ME" im. ill be processing for 3 years

"Did you do something that needs forgiving?" elgin my sweet boy

jim rightly proud of his badass kid

"you put hate inside me" :'(

is she gonna give her her stuff damn shes too nice

a part of me is feeling like shes gonna smash it tho lmao

SORRY FOR DOUBTING YOU MRS LIU

i am starting to assume that everyone forgot about tobey so jade is never even gonna know that it was sara lmao

KENNY

oh my god kenny

im hurt seeing him so hurt

TOWNSPEOPLE CAN WE GIVE KENNY A BREAK OVER HERE PLEASE WHAT R U STARING AT HES VERY RIGTHFULLY MAD HE HAS EVERY RIGHT

oh elgin

elgin youre too sweet

elginnnnn

everyones gonna hate you elgin 😭😭😭 i am suffering for you

KRISTI BECAME EVEN MORE BEAUTIFUL THIS IS NOT A DRILL

now please do jade

"KRISTI WHERE ARE YOU GOING BABY STOP"

KRISTI NO NO NOOOOOO

i love her so much

"People liked him, then he changed" dont do this to me

"I am at the end of my rope" oh god

TABITHA??????

holy fucking shit im going to die of heart attack

this doesnt have captions i dont know what the creepy ghost children are saying

I WAS LITERALLY THINKING I WISHED TABITHA AND JADE WOULD INTERACT AND LOOK AT THIS NOW

i knew jim would not vote box lets goo

BOYD WHY

Randall ????

OKAY that tabitha and marielle scene from last episode was bothering me so much i cant believe i didnt think of this

what an episode my god

[lesbianboyfriend]

tagged by @rotmance ty nemo <33

1. named after anyone?

incidentally named after a book character but not one i care about at all i was just reading a book and read the name jules and was like oho…that could be me

2. last time you cried?

probably about a week ago

3. do you have any kids?

no i’m like a whole child myself

4. do you use sarcasm a lot?

i suppose? not rlly sure honestly i def did a lot as a kid

5. what’s the first thing you notice about people?

hmm i’m not rlly good at like distinguishing features or anything on people i’m just like oh! a person! maybe their outfit?

6. color of your eyes?

brown :)

7. scary movies or happy endings?

time and place for both i believe in whatever serves the narrative best

8. any special talents?

hmm i’m like pretty okay at harmonizing? def could be better but i’m actually very proud of it bc it took me a long time to develop

9. where were you born?

the united states of america :(

10. hobbies?

reading, writing, singing, sewing, scrapbook journaling, knitting, crochet, acting, cirque

11. any pets?

my parents have two golden retrievers and my sister has a rescue breed unknown and they are all my babies :) i don’t think i could be responsible for my own pet but i love having them around

12. what sports do you/have you played?

brief and awful period of usamerican soccer as a kid. i did tennis for a bit as well and enjoyed that! i’m mostly into dance/cirque these days but i’m also very disabled so

13. how tall are you?

5 feet 7 inches

14. favorite subject in school?

literature

15. dream job?

mostly i just want to make art with my friends :) im pursuing library science i think and i am very excited to be a librarian as well so perhaps that!

im honestly too sleepy to tag anyone in particular…any mutual who wants to do this i love you and i want to hear about you <333

[mismatchedlore]

thuy - wings (oct 4, 2024)

so... it's been three years since i've been on this account...but i'm hoping to give this whole music thought thing a go again...given my extreme short memory span, i need a place to solidify all the music i've loved. and given the fact that senioritis is really kicking in, maybe this will help me channel some of my restlessness into something real

I've been a big fan of thuy since her i hope u see this album (which, in my opinion is still genuine gold). I love her thoughtfulness; there's something so genuine that is expressed through lyrics & melodies. It captures my heart in a way that is hard to explain. In perspective, as another Asian American girl, I am so happy and proud of the way thuy expresses herself through her music; it evokes so many emotions in me.

Some Track List Thoughts:

fairy godmother

God, what a cool opening song. There's something seriously insane about the way the chorus and the verses flip the listener on their head. I love the dreamy lines the verses paint, how they build up the chorus that shocked me back into reality. Somehow, the world knew I needed that chorus today to help me wake the fuck up.

3. whatcha gotta say (with Blxst)

Okay, instant classic. I love the pre-chorus build up. I lowkey wanted more thuy on the track though...would love to hear a third verse with just thuy to see how she's able to stretch and move the melody. This is also a really silly comparison (in that they basically sound nothing alike), but the chorus reminds me of the chorus of 趁早 in that they both offer these sweeping downward melodies.

4. D8

I LOVED THIS SONG. It's so cute. Sometimes I need to zone out and have some fun sounds bouncing in my head - this is exactly what I need. The way this title stands out, having the only capital letter is fun, too.

5. crash & burn

The strings on the pre-chorus are so cool. I love the vibe they bring to pushing us into the chorus. This song is hot and beautiful. The ad-libs, wow. This song makes me feel like I've transported to some kind of dramatic movie setting. I will be strutting my shit to this song.

6. shy boy

The lyrics made me laugh. The melody and surrounding instrumentals accurately paint the scene. I love "You been sending me pictures all week (Don't act so shy boy)/ Yeah, you said I'd be weak in my knees (So get me high boy).

9. wings

I absolutely love the reflective way thuy closes out her albums. It's dreamy, it's touching, and it's (to me) a indicator of thuy's music. this song feels so relevant to what thuy is like as a songwriter, and its tune reminds me of i hope u see this (the song). beautiful.

anyways! that's all my thoughts. im hoping to use this space to really just throw down all my music thoughts & not judge or force myself to have these big thoughts. stream of consciousness journal!

w/ love, snow

[mylilworldinthiscorner]

so honestly. im not feeling the greatest rn. so im gonna journal and im gonna do my best. considering i left my own damn journal at home i have to do it on my phone lmao.

there’s a lot i want to change obviously, but i’ve finally began feeling more “real”. i’ve been feeling more authentic. more real. more genuine. i’ve been feeling so many feelings and it’s kinda scary. i’ve been feeling so many different feelings, but ultimately, im just trying to feel okay.

im gonna try my hardest to make this a good decent day. i came here because…

well… i don’t know. i wanna feel proud of myself though and i will do so.

i felt like awful dog shit and there’s a couple things i wanna do today. i wanna get some sleep tonight, so ill try and create a schedule for the rest of the day starting from right now so that i can sleep fine enough tonight. and i want to start taking control of my days in general so i don’t end up feeling so lost like this in the middle of the day and starting “losing it” lmao cause thats when i start doing things i don’t necessarily feel happy about, just to distract myself really.

taking control of my day will probably help me. so

for this next week.

i can wake up everyday at 6am ideally. which means i need to sleep by… 10pm? oh lord that’s hard lmaoo.

how about maybe let’s try to be asleep by midnight so i can wake up at 8 that might be more doable 😭 which kinda sucks because i wanted to wake up at 8am to be alone and in the dark or whatever. but hey thats fine. i can try to adjust that as i go. i guess the goal for tonight is to get enough sleep and wake up early. and all of this id like for it to be actually sustainable. im getting a bit overwhelmed now. look i just wake up earlier so i’ll do my best to fall asleep earlier tonight. i’ll try to be asleep by like midnight tonight which means begin a nighttime routine by 11pm.

im getting a bit overwhelmed rn even as im writing this. hmm.

if i wanna be asleep by 12am. do a night time routine tonight.

just be all comfy around 11 pm

stay here till like 3pm

next meal 3:30 pm

(take supplement)

eat last meal around 9pm

(do my tasks around this time or just do netflix or comfy time or journal time whatever you want!!!)

sleep by like 12am hopefully without m***********. (nah im not gonna do x im just gonna try to sleep and wake up early!)

for now, i’ll do the things i wanted to do to just make my over thinking at home a bit easier.

i have a 100$ budget total. i want new pants, haircut, and bird toys. a cage ideally but thats not in the budget rn.

so for now i’ll prioritize bird toys and my hair. so i’ll look for the toys rn as an examples of prices, and some hair salons and consider prices, skill level for what i want, and availability. great. i’ll start off with the bird toys and create a list of potential options. then i’ll move on to hair places and decide on one at home then get my hair cut soon!!! (or whenever i want to). this is just to make my life easier to feel a bit more at ease with myself and these changes to myself i guess…

it feels like cheating but hey i am doing my best. and i don’t need to act on these things and i can change them if i want to. growth is the goal right? the goal is to just move forward and feel a little better so im doing my best to take control and get it handled cause i know that i can. and i’ll obviously feel a bit better when i go home. it’s just pre planning for when i go home and actually take action yanno? alright here goes. todays gonna be a good day and im gonna fall asleep at a decent time that i want to. and i’ll wake up tomorrow when i want to. and i’ll act on action. i am in full fucking control and i am powerful and awesome and based.

[1d1195]

Okay so this part was SOOO GOOD! I'm literally BUZZING with their reunion! I think it’s just so cute that she has kept so many notebooks about her and Harry even after all this time😭This speaks to the journal obsessed part of me lol and the fact that she thinks he’s moved on is CRAZY but im not surprised since she did get insecure about their relationship(fuck Lauren lol) so I ger her! The detail of the pic on the figure was just so 💔 bc MY MAN WOULD HAVE AND WILL NEVER GET TIRED OF HER😭 oh and that little part about how ‘hope” feels, bestie that was such a beautiful way to explain it! 

also the image of Harry in a fireman uniform… yeah I just know he’s so😵‍💫 is it kind of creepy he knew where she would be? Yeah but like idgaf THEY ARE SOULMATES so I'm choosing to believe that their bond was calling him to go there lol the KITTEN NAME DROP AFTER SO MANY YEARS MY HEART😭 but ugh god the mention of Lauren still being somewhat close to her MAKES ME WANT  TO SCREAM!!!(trust me I love it for the plot) Now I loved their balcony moment and it was nice to see how his instinct was just to take care of her! Oh tell me why I was giggling so hard about everyone’s reaction to Harry sending that text! And you know I love a good jealousrry moment even if it’s small! Though I did love the mention of how each of them mourns the loss of their friendship with her differently and going through a friendship breakup is just as painful! Was so sad for Louis :( BUT OVERALL I LIVED FOR THIS SAM!! So well written and I'm so excited where this story is going to go! Very excited!!! Loved it so much!

Hope you have a lovely and relaxing weekend! Wishing you the best! LOVE YOU!!-💜

I realized I was writing almost entirely from Harry's POV. I try REALLY hard to split the POVs from Harry and my MC. This part was completely uneven even after I added her part, but it just was SO much better from his perspective lol. But I did end up really loving the part I wrote from her POV. I thought the notebooks were a cute touch and I actually am really proud of the candle/hope analogy 😭🙈 sometimes I get an idea in my head and I'm like "It would be so cool if I could come up with something profound right now. Like John Green saying 'slowly, then all at once'." I'm not sure I'll ever get that, but I'll keep trying. But humbly, I do surprise myself with what I come up with solely because I have this moment of clarity where I'm like "Okay, I'm writing Harry Styles fanfic do I need to inform the masses about how I think roses are prickly and wildflowers are strong?" probs not. But it happens I suppose.

Spoiler/not spoiler I'm really looking forward to writing about her finding out that Harry hasn't moved on even a little 🤭 I'm glad you liked the journaling part! Our little writer girly wouldn't do anything less I don't think. I don't know if I knew you were a journal-er! I need to start keeping notes of you on my computer to consult after a year 😭 It would look like this:

has 4 dogs that don't like fireworks

studies psych (and takes way too many classes)

enjoys drag brunches and record stores

Paramore [Wikipedia page biographer?]

journals

enjoys thrifting (and can alter her finds!?)

Anti-Victoria's Secret

has a competent MALE therapist

But anyway 😭 I know you're more than this and I would so add more but it's a good starting point to keep track of things 💕

I probably glossed over the explanation of him just knowing where she was so YES we should assume it's just that soulmate connection that brought him to her. I SWEAR I saw an AI photo of him in a firefighting uniform. I'm also DESPERATELY trying to get on fireman TikTok for inspo and for my own personal gain 👀👀

I know we hate Lauren lol it's so funny what you guys pick up on because I don't even THINK about her at all when I think of this series 😭

I believe so fully that Harry would be the kind of guy that lays his jacket down on a puddle for her to walk across (probs shouldn't have said that, now I gotta come up with another analogy to write 🤣) so I wanted him to just fall right back into being so infatuated with her and taking care of her immediately. I figured I needed a mood lightener and them all worried about Harry was the best I could do on short notice 😅 I like to keep the friends in my stories as mostly minor characters (except for Traditional) mainly because I struggle to sustain prolonged interactions with others (I just want all my couples to live in their own little love bubbles). UGH I wanted to make him more jealous! But I think rationally, he wouldn't be jealous of his friends. Maybe I'll do it for the next part hehehehehe As it is not in my notes above, I believe I recall that you weren't TOTALLY into 1D but Louis was always denoted as the goofball and I think that was a gross underestimation of his emotions (see also the times I've said his lyrics are 👌) ANYWAY

Thank you for attending this week's book club 💕

FINALLY A QUIET WEEKEND 🎉 Hope yours is good too! 💕

xoxo

P.S. In true-Sam fashion, my lack of feedback on this part is making me so sad and feeling like it's an absolute flop. I wish I didn't write so much sometimes because my series tend to start off SO good but fizzle by the end. My one-shots do SO much better. But I want MORE to happen. Maybe I'm just bad at having stories progress? I know, I know, notes aren't everything and summer is a weird time for people and I know with Harry being MIA in real life people are missing him and not writing as much and also not reading as much. But yeah, it's part of why my updates are far between :/

[keefwho]

July 11 - 2024 Thursday

10:50pm

3.5/10

Instead of cleaning today I played some VRchat and checked out new worlds hoping to meet some strangers. All I encountered were some Japanese folks. But the important thing was that I had nothing to clean and I wanted to shake things up so I shamelessly got on to do what I wanted.

This morning there was a tree in the road that mom asked me to help her move. It turned out it was much bigger that we thought so I used my survival chainsaw to cut and move it myself. I felt good about that, I did something helpful. In exchange mom took me to buy a bottle of sweet tea. In the store her friend Rick started talking to me about Home Depot and digital advertising wondering if it could be relevant to my work. I told him probably not but that it was interesting.

Work was fine today and afterwards I wrote about my insecurities. It's been on my mind a lot today and I made some good progress. I realized my need to talk about certain heavy topics so much comes from a need to know that I'm not being judged and that everything is okay. Because I severely judge myself for my issues. On and off today I was feeling super shitty and pretty good, bouncing between proving and disproving myself right and wrong. But at the core of it all was a need to face my insecurities and make sure that I do not let them go anywhere.

I skimped out a bit on work this afternoon, my motivation was lacking and I did the usual where I have a Twitch stream up that keeps distracting me. I felt lonely and that wasn't helping but also that I wasn't in the mood to socialize with acquaintances. I tried joining AE and them but I got kind of annoyed and left. I didn't do as much work on my pony avatar as I wanted today.

I found a potential new horse avatar base for DS if she likes it which would entail a daunting amount of work, but work I am willing to do. Its that weird "Im up for the potentially severe challenge" attitude. Maybe because it's for a cause I'm so passionate about, I will face anything to get it done and bask in the glory of my accomplishment.

I was very lonely this evening but I joined BD to try my damnedest to open up and chill. It almost kinda worked but everything was cut short by them all going to watch Smiling Friends which I didnt wanna do. I started thinking maybe I needed some alone time anyways.

There were no puzzles tonight because poor DS is getting to be SUPER late and blew out her vocal chords at the baseball game. I am proud of myself and feel good about the little bit I got off my chest tonight. Now more than ever I need my friends by my side, in a HEALTHY way. It feels good not being afraid I'm being too much knowing Im speaking from a more genuine place. I do not want to take from others to fill my void anymore. I will take only what is offered and source the rest myself. I want to give, I want to love. But I can only do that if I have some to spare. I need to build myself up so I can love in the capacity I want.

I also want change and thats why today I did some stuff a little bit different. Also changing how the journal is told because I'm tired of writing the same mundane stuff over and over. I see some value in documenting events like I was for analytical reasons but I dont need that. I want to write what stuck out and made the day special. I want out of my time loop.

Oh also trying to stick to the decision to just stay off of Twitter for awhile. I thought about going as drastic as deactivating my account for now but maybe I won't do that. Or maybe I will if I really want to stick to this idea.

[appareils-futiles]

A Certain Shade of Green

I realize I rarely post 1 on 1, stuff on here anymore. But that's because this lack of attention span has been killing me lately. I finished my 2nd semester of college with high grades (except for math, but that's expected), my 3rd semester is doing well. A little frustrating, especially because i dont sleep. this year, im looking forward to seeing incubus again, it's been too long since i last saw them. (2017!!), but man was it memorable! and possibly seeing craig david for the first time ever. Trying to figure out how to make this year as eventful as last year. who would of that lil old Lenii would be sitting on the cold floor of at a Broadway venue at 1am? lmao. Would lil ol Lenii be cry-laughing at seeing Neil Patrick Harris stage diving at midnight then show up to school and hour and a half late because of it? (not my proudest moment but a hilarious memory nonetheless) probably not. but i did get out of my shell a lot last year and im proud of that. so far, 2024 has been uneventful. I'm in the mental state of finding a job and being more open with myself, It was recommended that i carry one with daily journaling, to help me get my feelings and thoughts out, but the way this brain is set up, ive tried it so many times and it literally doesnt click. maybe i'll try it. we shall see. dating is still non existent and to be honest i dont see the point. im too old for all that. me thinks. other than that, i think im doing okay. what else is there to say? xo, LN

[solitairesys]

here's some highlights from my thoughts journal from the years 1942, 2012, 2013, 2014, and 2015.

for context, i got this journal after my mother passed.

for more context, i am a nico di angelo fictive.

tw, possibly.

my parents have no clue who i even am. i hope you’re proud of me, dad. afraid to go out. afraid to talk to people. it's difficult to make friends. i'd rather be at home, alone. scared to be in a big crowd of people. panicking about going to this event. nervous about meeting someone new. scared to ask a question, staying quiet instead. feel like everyone is watching me. if i disappeared, would you even know? i wish you knew how much it destroyed me when you left. a piece of me died. i dont know where to go. i dont know what to feel. i dont know what to do. i dont know who i am. ”but it made you stronger” i didn’t need to be stronger, i needed to be safe. life isn’t about living, anymore. it’s about surviving. im afraid to die. im afraid to live. i need a hug, but all they gave me was a box of matches and a knife. i was the good kid and i got nothing. was i raised without love? or was i born unloveable? i have a father, but ive never had a dad. fuck you to every person who ever took advantage of my kindness. nobody is going to save you. get up. please don't leave. everybody leaves.

why is my family so fucked up? my feelings? oh, don't worry about those, no one does. can someone be proud of me? like im fucking trying. "why didn't you tell anyone?" he asked me. no one asked. maybe i wasn’t made for anyone. i don’t know why i’m still hoping. there’s a reason i keep everything inside. i want to be loved but i don’t deserve it. i want to feel loved without feeling like i was begging for it. if i told you my secrets, you wouldn't look at me the same. maybe i deserve all of this. sleep isnt sleep anymore, it's an escape. a listening ear is also a running mouth. i've become so damaged that when someone gives me what i deserve, i don't know how to respond. i need to cry. i need to talk. i need to vent everything. i try so hard to help other people because i have no idea how to help myself. you will never understand the hell i feel inside my brain. its hard to forget your past when it's written all over your body i stopped being me a long time ago. i don’t even remember who i was. i want my life back. i want myself back. i miss the old me. the happy me. that young energy, that smile, that glow. i'll never be that me again.

i’ll never be good enough for you. stupid me thinking i was good enough. i don’t care if you’re proud of me, dad. its pretty fucked up how okay you were after hurting me. you realize that one day im just gonna snap, right? i shouldn’t be this kind of tired at this age. if i can still breathe, im fine. im forever going to say “i got this” with tears in my eyes. i’ll survive. i somehow always do. i have more scars than friends. it’s hard when you feel so constantly unwanted. i want to live, not just survive. i cant remember the last time i wasn’t tired.

[mindovermatterismagicc]

oh i love you so much. i just feel so loving towards you tonight i just want to write my heart out. i never thought id be so in love ever, honestly before you i thought i was the most unlovable person, thank you for showing me what love is, all my life ive never felt love reciprocated to me but this time knowing that even if i dont love myself or believe in myself one day therell be atleast one person who would disagree. i cannot tell you enough how much of an impact youve had on my life, ive never been happier, i dont feel depressed anymore knowing youll always be there for me and how youve told me how i mean to you and that youre so proud of me. it goes such a long way i promise. the efforts you take for me and how much you adjust things for me whether it be ruining your sleep schedule or calling me in a train, it brings such a smile to my face knowing that wow man someone is so in love with me that theyre willing to go out of their way to do all this for me. i feel loved, i feel so fullfilled and i feel so not lonely anymore. thank you for healing a part of me i didnt know i needed to be touched, 13 year old vivaan no longer wants to kill himself and thinks life is entirely depressing anymore, because you made it shine, you brought light to my life and now you are my life, youre all i look after all i want, every thought, every action everything just comes down to you good or bad and thats beautiful that it settles to you because theres nothing i would want mean ore to me than you. 217/365 days. and ive only seen you for 2 of them but im not going to go on that sad path of how i miss it and everything because whats the point of being sad about it anymore? it was such a happy time and just so surreal and blissful it felt like nothing mattered in this world, it felt like it was just us and just hapiness. baby i can only fill my journal pages with you and asking you to come here i can only go to temples and ask god for you to come here too, i can only manifest for you to come here. theres not much i can do but im doing everything in my power for it, and i hope youre trying your best too, and im sure if its meant to happen and if im deserving enough to see you again according to god that time will come. please if you come here please surprise me okay?. we can only be optimistic and thats how we should be. i miss you so much everyday baby but talking to you makes me feel better about myself and life in general life doesnt feel so bad for the x minutes we talk and i really love that. 217 days and i only want this counter to never stop, i love how enthusisastic we are about each other everyday and just the way we sort things out, love each other be there for each other is goals and im so glad my first relationship turned out like this. theres nobody id want my first kiss to be on an empty metro station at 10:42am. on a personal level, im so proud of you baby i dont remind you enough as you remind me but i will from now, youre the most beautiful, wonderful, intelligent and just lovable person ive met and i literally mean it. you go through so much and even though you sleep through it most its tough to be you somedays and its tough to manage being so smart and just all that life brings you down for. im always going to be your biggest fan baby except when you colour your hair or get a piercing but ( jk i would love you as much still ) yeah im always going to be there for you, youre a good student, girlfriend, friend, sister and most importantly youre a beautiful human, and i mean that fromhow gorgeous you look to your morals and your so swwet heart. theres nobody like you and im glad there is nobody like you because youre all id ever want and i never want to let go off your hand.

i love you so so much baby i promise you that you mean the world to me and i never want to lose you.

there would be no vivaan without you my love, there would be no happy vivaan without sanskriti.

[crybabyjellyfish]

100 Days of Productivity

Summer Goals Completed

33/100

Ohhhh I kind of want to be more consistent with these but I've been so busy with traveling and packing and work.

I've officially completed my summer goals!

I made a zine. It made my boyfriend cry glkdfjglkfd bc it was about genders and jellyfish. I made it for my parents... they haven't read it though.

Found a name. I'm now beginning the legal process of changing it.

Wrote hella letters. Was the first goal I completed tbh.

Long essay is basically complete. I just have to actually do the effort of editing now

Other Goals completed:

update calendar

grad school advisor meeting

traveling and packing

Goals to do:

Actually write a letter of resignation and quit this hellscape job

set up time line for grad school applications

finish moving to new apartment

Go to see bf finally hehehehe

Email for letters of reccs for grad school

research the GRE and study/set up to take that exam

Journal :(

10 things im proud of

I'm proud of making the zine. I was nervous but I spent a lot of time painting it and stuff

I'm proud of being more assertive with my parents. it's only slightly but it's there.

I'm proud of making it to the end of the month without doing a bad™

I made some lil art! That was fun/nice

Telling someone I was too tired for them to come over at night. Holdin that boundary

Talking to people about my anxieties and concerns. Not just going silent. I gotta remind myself to not just cut people off but also object permanence happens and I forget that im allowed to bother people. SO actually talking to people has been- helpful

Taking initiative in grad school applications. I want to remind myself that this isn't a one shot situation. I have all my life to apply. If I can't this year, that's okay. I can apply again.

I've actually been reading which is nice. I don't usually expect myself to read and do my fun little things while at home. But i've been able to do that and it's been bringing me some peace.

driving. I hate driving, it makes me anxious. But I need to do that where I am right now. And it makes me uncomfortable but I've been able to do it and feel confident in it again.

Using my newer coping tools whenever I get stressed. Lil Tåsi the manta ray has been good. Ive been taking my meds and eating well. I have been drawing, turning to other tasks whenever the desire to do a bad arises and im glad for that distraction stuff. Documentaries ive learned helps out too. lol

[kgssanity]

Long post but worth a read 😅,

I haven’t posted anything personal in so long. And tbh I have my reasons why. But today I thought why not share something maybe someone could relate to.

Lately I started a journey or self discovery. Of self love and getting to know myself really good. I discovered that if a person doesn’t satisfy my needs, not only sexual but spiritually and mentally then my whole body and spirit shuts down. Memories will forever remain in my heart. And regardless of the negative shit and painful shit done to me, I still forgive them. Cause at the end of the day they were trying to figure out themselves as well. Its hard to really explain my new attitude towards my past and those two people i once dated. (One of them who i married) mistakes were made. Arguments and miscommunications happened. But at the end of the day I wasn’t for you and you weren’t for me. I don’t ever stalk nor keep communication with any of my exes. And i think its only respectful for both parties. They both came to my life for a reason and I don’t question it at all cause i learned what I needed to learn.

One taught me that respect is a must. That insults and degrading comments should never be okay. (Unless its sexual and its a kink)

That the love you give shouldn’t be greater than the love you give yourself.

Mental health is important. You should always feel comfortable to speak whats going on with your mental even if it doesn’t make any sense. But whoever you’re with should never make you feel weird about it. Let alone make you feel “crazy”.

Time shows who people really are.

Laying hands or being thrown objects at you is not okay.

Consent is always necessary when coming to sex or even touching no matter how long y’all dated for. I was taken advantage of by an ex partner and I will not say a name. But they were intoxicated and no matter how many times I said no. They still did what they did. (Did i hate them? Well duh but I still forgive them cause that taught me that I shouldn’t settle for less.)

Drinking or smoking should be a fun experience with a loved one. (Not a shitty time of arguing or even fighting)

You should be encouraged on doing those hobbies or activities you enjoy doing! (Never told “nah im not into that, or lets go do what I like to do.” Dismissing you entirely)

Your space and time should be respected. (They need to know when you need some alone time and not think anything about it until you’re ready to talk about it)

Expectations are probably the worst thing to have. (Everyone is different. Meaning everyone has their own way to express their love for you in a positive way)

Standards are good to have. You should know what you want in a partner. However no one is perfect. So let those standards be logical.

Trust is necessary. The moment you start dating is the moment you give 100% trust to them. So no matter how many times your head tells you “go check their phone and socials.” Don’t do it. They chose to be with you.

Privacy needs to be respected. If your phone and/or personal books/journals are private. Let that be known. Trust they will not be touched by them nor invaded.

People need to be proud of having you in their lives. (I was with people who didn’t show any affection in public cause they weren’t proud of me. One because of my physical looks and the other cause they didn’t want to make people uncomfortable of the couple of lesbians showing love.) I don’t feel shame so why make me feel like I should?

If you like masculine women, (like myself 😉) don’t forget that they are still women. They like to be spoiled too. They like flowers and you showing up too. Little surprises with loving details like what they love and enjoy doing could even allow them to be vulnerable with you. Most of these masculine women have been treated like dudes when in reality they aren’t unless told otherwise.

Doing 50-50 is not a thing. Doing 100-100 is where its at. If i want you, i want you 100%. We both need to give 100% of ourselves to build our own empire together.

Feelings should never be invalidated. (If they only talk about how they feel but don’t bother to care how you feel. - red flag.)

Now, I am not an expert but I just wanted to share things I’ve learned. I appreciate the people who have come into my life. Whether it was temporary or permanently. I thank you a lot cause it has helped me become who I am. A strong independent queer woman. Who is no longer afraid of love. A woman who is proud of the body I am in. It took me years to love my chubby body. (I still have my insecurities kick in sometimes but I am only human) but for the most part I happy with where I am.

Yours truly,

Kgssanity ❤️🏳️‍🌈